Why I hate having bad self esteem   Leave a comment

It is a fact (whether it is well known or I have been successful at keeping it to myself) that I have rather awful self esteem. There are many reasons I hate it and have tried to change it and I have come a long way but there is always this stupid little voice inside my head that taints otherwise fine thoughts. The main thing I hate about it is that it makes me doubt people I love and care about.

I have always had issues with one word: Love. My mind for whatever reason had convinced me that I wasn’t lovable by anyone other then my family and that my family only loved me because they had to. I got a lot better. I started believing some of my friends when they said it and even said it back to them and it actually being true. I still struggled though with it. It was one of those hurtles. The first time I said it to my first boy friend was because I panicked. He said it so I just kinda said it back even though at the time it wasn’t true. Eventually, it became true with him. To some extent I loved him and he will always have a very tiny place in my heart as the first guy that I dated. I still doubted him sometimes though. He used the words like an apology. An insult and then the words. I didn’t realize his habit to begin with but as I started falling out of love with him it became more apparent. Even when I was home on leave from the military he accidentally said it after he had been picking on me (and not the teasing kind where you know the person is lying and just joking around). After he said it, he saw his mistake. We weren’t technically in a relationship at that point so to him that meant that he couldn’t love me. He retracted his statement with much more overkill then was necessary which didn’t really help me feel less like shit.

I had always doubted it when people said it…. except for with one person.

When he said it, I believed him. Every time. And every time I said it to him, I meant it. But then something happened…..

It wasn’t either one of our faults. And I still didn’t doubt it as he said good bye to me and talked to me for what will probably be the last time (although I still pray that it isn’t). But then something very dangerous happen….. I was left alone with me thoughts. Listening to country music driving down to a military base, being on weapons guard by myself just reading a book, sitting on the range all day, guarding an ambulance for a solid hour, and driving back home. It gives me what I always try to avoid in life.

Time alone with my thoughts.

This isn’t to say that I don’t think things through. I do, I let my mind quickly run through all the possibilities and make calculated decisions. But I know that I doubt myself, so I stop there. Because how can you honestly trust other people if you can’t trust yourself?

So I sat with my thoughts and as always it led me no where good… That small voice inside my head started spitting its lies at me. I know they are lies but I hate that I even had to think like that. Thoughts like what if it was all a lie? You were just stupid enough to believe it. What if it is all your fault? You just weren’t good enough. What if you were just a distraction? It was never going to go anywhere.

What if he didn’t actually love you……?

If I were so amazing, why can’t I fix it? Why can’t I have the means to support us even if you won’t and if I could would you let me? And if you wouldn’t let me why? Why are you the only one allowed to take control? Why can’t I fix this? Because I can’t… that’s why. I’m not good enough. Why isn’t this worth doing something crazy to you? And why am I such a selfish person that I have to ask? Why do I feel like you stopped looking? Why do I feel like you gave up hope? Why can’t I give up hope? Why do I have to be so naive to think that if something is meant to be it will work? Life doesn’t work for you; you work for life.

Why do I do these things to myself?

Why do I have so little faith in myself that it makes me doubt a person who I know I can trust? That I know he wasn’t lying yet that little voice inside me messes with me?

Why do I listen to songs that I know will make me sad? Or look on Facebook to see a picture where I see your face and I see sadness in your eyes because it sure as hell isn’t a happy look on your face?

Why did I let this happen?

So yes this is just a little look into my mind and how it works when it is left to nothing else. I have not been destroyed but rather I destroy myself. Because I know what he said was true but a small voice haunts me as it always had…. just when I thought it had disappeared.

-An Extraordinary Nothingness

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Posted April 13, 2015 by Extraordinary Nothing in Uncategorized

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